Grief

Grief is a strange thing. The stages go in no particular order & at times it seems like more of a deep pool of chaos.

My mind races constantly with thoughts of what could have been or should have been differently. I understand it’s pointless but that doesn’t stop my brain from processing it in this way.

I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that I will never again be in the same room as my loved one. I don’t believe that our time together has abruptly come to an end. How can a lifetime of love for another be stolen away within what feels like minutes? Just gone…that’s it…over..final. So final.

And I know there’s another space I can’t see right now. I know they wait for me to enter into the next room of this journey we are on. But right now…right in this moment..I’m still here & they are still there and nothing here can fill that void in between & bring us back together.

Instead it’s filled with memories & thoughts & regrets & anger & happiness…& all of the emotions you can think of rolled into one. It’s filled with a lifetime of moments that we will never be able to get back. And it feels like the heaviest weight is bearing down on my chest..and I can’t breathe. My mind is filled with the heaviest of fogs…And tears keep coming down even though I feel I have none left to give…they just keep falling.

Grief is not a 12 step program. It cannot be defined on paper as a puzzle to complete and get through. No…grief lingers. Grief clings to you like bonfire smoke on your favorite hoodie. It’s not always so noticeable but when you sense it..it takes over.

Grief is like a luke warm pool of water. It almost becomes comfortable. Because as long as you’re feeling grief it almost as if your soul is still clinging to theirs. The one last thing you have a chance to grasp…just barely…It’s almost even scarier to think of a day without it…because without it will you remember them every day? Or do they just fade into the background of your mind only to be plucked to the center on anniversary’s or holidays like a long lost relative…

I’m not exactly sure where this grief will take me. However I do know that no matter how unbearable it may seem…grief still can never over power love.

My brother shared a poem today & it fits perfectly…

“It’s avails not, time nor place—distance avails not, I am with you.”

For my Grandfather & my dear friend…I’ll be missing you. 💔🙏🏻

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